this is crazy

I'm an emotional wreck

I just read over some of my journal entries. every damn thing is about a stupid fucking relationship. yeah. I feel dumb worrying about that. now I barely even have friendships WTF

how amazing is it to feel this fucking alone?! everywhere ALL the time. I'm paranoid beyond belief. my fucking head doesn't like me.

I dont even want a relationship anymore. it doesn't seem worth the effort. or worth putting your heart and soul into it. and having someone take advantage of you. THATS ALL YOU FUCKS DO!!

I want a friend... someone that wont let new people come in and help push me away. I don't know what I want.

why are friends so great?

I NEED TO WANT MYSELF.

I'm quitting. I'm not helping myself by doing this. it's making me want to cry......that's NOT happening. no matter how fucked up I am, I'm not THAT fucked up.

unhappy.

I feel absolutely alone. and unsure

I have no confidence. I'm scared of nearly any and everything. I strongly dislike myself.

There's a person inside of me that I know is amazing, loveable and happy. I just can't get her out. I dont like being here anymore. or there. I dont like being me. I dont like being. I dont like anything. I'm more obsessed with wanting to be the people I envy. So many qualities other people possess. Why can't I want to be me? Why are there so many "Whys" that I ask.

I wanna skip to the last page of the book, forget it all, and pretend it was wonderful for the time I have left.

I'm such a pessimist. a very unhappy person.

depressed isnt the word anymore. when I'm happy I'm just waiting for the exact opposite. Happiness isnt real for me.

I don't even fucking know what's wrong.

I'm too alone I guess. I can't keep myself occupied and entertained. I'm all I've got really. I have a tiiiiiny few to listen. but that's all. That doesnt benefit me in the long run. I dont want to have to talk to people. FUCK

I don't know.

I've cried more in the past two days than I have this whole YEAR. and that pisses me off

I'm tired of being told no about EVERYTHING

fuck this

don't tell me something just because you think it's what I want to hear. Don't leave out details just because you don't want to disappoint me. If you want to protect me and my feelings, just don't do me wrong.

Just thought I'd say.

find it okay to just tralalala themselves back into my life? Sweet talking me. Acting like we've been cool for years. What's up with people these days. I mean REALLY!?

I'm not going to play it cool and shit. I'm not much of the same person I used to be. So I'm not going to give you the "second" chance you're asking for. ESPECIALLY not to someone who's hurt me so bad!

I'm over it. and I'm not going back. Thanks

I only want it if I can have it. And if not, I'd prefer to know if I can't, instead of living my life wondering if I'm making all the wrong choices.

I've gotten so used to being "with" people but not officially. I'm ready for someone to want to officially be with me. FOR REAL. and I want to feel the same for them. I'll only want it if it's real. I'm over these games. and I'm over never being sure. I'll grant NO ONE is ever REALLY sure. but can't someone just be sure enough that they want to try?

I'll ever be cured.

Talking to Destin has me wondering what I REALLY HONESTLY TRULY want. It's not something I can figure out in a matter of minutes. but I wish I could. Because, this means I don't even have myself figured out

for the first time in a very, very long time. i feel like breaking down

i'm not comfortable in my own skin

that I give off without knowing.

guys have been on my dick lately. I mean..it's not bad. makes my confidence level go up (no ego) but at the same time.. IM STILL FUCKING SINGLE.. soooo uhmm..useless ey?

but there's someone that I can see things possibly going somewhere with (:

wont say his name. it's TBD.

stay tuned

and i don't wish to bottle everything inside.

but I don't want to broadcast it to everyone either.

so...here I am.

IM ANGRY IM ANGRY IM ANGRY IM ANGRY

wondering if I'll ever live happily ever after...i may be young[which everyone seems to enjoy picking at], but I don't have too much longer.

:(

and I'm sureeeely NOT going to change who I'm interested in. just to make everyone else happy. shit should just work out. ya know?...I am my own fucking barrier

to talk to. I need Becky. but I wont see her until June 1st
 

there's only one person that would probably understand this.. but I'm not even close to her anymore.. i don't feel comfortable anymore

there's all these people that are somewhat at my reach. but I refuse to reach my hand out and grab them.

the truth is. I'm lonely as fuck! and for the past week or two, it has hurt. mildly, but that's more than too much

but I still consider myself unavailable. :(

one of those times.

like... a lot in my head. and wondering why my vibes are getting vibes back

especially when I'm not planning to give off any!